Pope Encourages Direct Confession if One Absolutely Must

The Holy Father suggested last week that if good, honest Catholics like myself cannot find a priest, then they may confess their sins directly to God. Truly we live in extraordinary times! But before you Calvinists and Lutheranists pop any champagne over this temporary deviation from sacramental norms, this is all perfectly in order. Hard-headed as the Faith may be we are certainly not inflexible, hence our most beautiful Catechism No. 1452! 

I would also very much like to stress the highly contingent nature of this novel practice. It is only permitted if one is restrictively cloistered-in-place or an ordained priest is completely unavailable (perhaps due to chloroquine poisoning). But already my brethren are finding novel ways to keep the confessional supply chain moving!

(Scott Takushi / Pioneer Press)

Furthermore, “perfect contrition” is a valid but ultimately provisional practice. When the coast is clear, all must get to a priest without delay for a proper expulsion of sins. Make sure to jot down all your transgressions!

This is not our first plague, dear Catholics. We’ve been beating back the Devil’s microbes since before the schismatics started marring our sacrosanct doorways with unsolicited comment cards.

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as any to start a blog.

© Photos.com/Thinkstock. Yes we give credit and so should you, you thieving dingbats.

“May you live in interesting times” is a famous fake Chinese curse. Maybe someone said that around October 2019 (or 2016) and now here we are, though you have to wonder why they directed it at all humanity. Ehhh…more likely God is just punishing us, as God is wont to do from time to time. Probably over Cats.

But with everyone cloistered-in-place, we certainly want to carve out our own little niche in the new online revolution. Places of worship have moved online (well, most of them), so we suddenly have an unprecedented level of access to the workings of Christendom. Our guess is that this will only make your hip startup church more annoying, but now we can at least tweet-bomb it in real-time.

We shall not abandon you in these momentous times, dear readers. In an internet polarized between “bring out your dead” jokes and self-righteous social-distance-shaming, we shall be your sanctuary.

So stand by for more scrumptious, sacrilegious content!